Things that Were Touchy-Feely: My 16th Birthday

Despite looming inclement weather (yes, April has held true to dumping down more liquid than a bus full of school children after a stop at a Long Island Taco Bell) a healthy host of gang outers ganged up on the Red Derby to kick the crap out of their front bay window. While other attempts to destroy the bay windows of bars were more effective, this gathering clearly packed a good punch.

From Jenga sabotagery to tumbling beer can towers - from swine flu on one side to mad cow disease on the other - from gory scars from the Delaware wilderness to renditions of 90's punk rock that could shatter an old lady's bifocals... little was held back from the cluster of tables in the window - save decency and a little respect for the obsequious.

And should you have been so unlucky as to have chanced upon the bad ass biking crew that stormed out not long before the Witching Hour (and even the most righteous who may have - no joke - caught a newborn that popped from the womb that very day could not be spared, cuz aye, one of this ilk was among the pack) you would have been remiss not to mention that their bike locks were big, that their boxes were bigger, and that the Schlitz in their hand was damn near the bestest brew that ever spouted forth from a can.

Now was it Schlitz's or was it Dale's? Was it Natty Boh's or was it Baltica 5? Posing such a juvenile inquiry would have left you bloody on the sidewalk, because clearly such an query is like comparing apples to oranges. Obviously, the right answer was "Star Wars." Know your audience: a literate little literalist on the littered littoral - literally... like (Lumpy Bumpy) lickorish... sort of.